The dregs of I.T.

[17:58:39] Horatio_Hex : i am SO close [17:58:42] Horatio_Hex : to setting the office on fire [17:58:52] Horatio_Hex : so so SO close [17:58:55] Smock Miiš : oooh, send me the pics when you're there! [17:59:03] Horatio_Hex : right now I’m just struggling [17:59:10] Horatio_Hex : if i should bolt the doors from the outside [17:59:12] Horatio_Hex : or not [17:59:27] Smock Miiš : from the outside? [17:59:31] Horatio_Hex : yes [17:59:35] Horatio_Hex : and lock the idiots in [17:59:35] Smock Miiš : to keep you in? [17:59:41] Smock Miiš : oh! [17:59:52] Horatio_Hex : no no, i'll step outside of course [18:00:01] Horatio_Hex : though i think sales people are fireproof [18:00:03] Smock Miiš : not another oddball of a salesperson? [18:00:08] Horatio_Hex : a client is trying to kill me [18:00:12] Smock Miiš : oh, I guessed! [18:00:18] Horatio_Hex : mainly because i'm closer to them compared to the sales person [18:00:5...

At times everyone's had to work or interact with some people that are supposed to have the knowledge they say (in their field) but don't. Most of the time we're able to side step them, explain the issue to someone else (hopefully someone above them) and then run away. Literally, run away. Jim : So, in a nutshell, the application has the ability to report out data via SQL, and since we're using Crystal Reports (CR), you can use the CR features such as export to PDF and even send out reports via email. Cat : Hey, CR! Ok, now we're talking my language here! Jim : I'm sorry, you're from the IT line as well? I was under the impression (looks down at meeting attendance list) that you're from Sales? You're the Sales Director even. *cough* its nice meeting you by the way. Cat : Uh huh. Oh no back when I was doing my degree I had plenty of CR experience! Jim : Well good so as you can see, using CR, we can 'push' reports out via email, a fact ...

A couple short anecdotes. ------- Sam asks Phil to merge a file for him. After a short explanation, they conclude the right term is patching. So Phil follows with the implementation simultaneously with Sam explaining the idea to him. As they go along, Phil makes a diff between the old and the new version of the file, only to apply the patch to the old version of the file. Well, an odd algorithm for copying a new file over an old file, says Phil, leaving Sam a bit embarrassed. ------- Phil is being asked by Fred to help pinpoint a problem by observing the stack trace of an exception that has been raised by a Java program. A multithreaded Java program. "So," points out Phil a source file name with a number printed on the sixth line of the stack trace, "this is the probable culprit as lines higher are from library classes. Could you trigger the error again, only printing out the stack traces of other threads, too?" And Phil got met with a blank stare from Fred: ...

I slip into the office, bright and early (9.15am) and settle down to the cube farm and mundane work related items (stopping all my fileshares and my torrent downloads that I left to run overnight) and I fire up my email, scanning through the latest issue of Dilbert. I'm a little taken when I see 3 new emails with the subject's in CAPS and running about a mile long. *sigh* its going to be one of those days. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Email Subject: PLEASE FIND ATTACHED THE FILES YOU REQUESTED LAST WEEK ON THE UPDATES THAT WE HAVE DONE TO OUR COMPUTERS AND SERVER, AND IF YOU REQUIRE ANY ADDITIONAL INFO EMAIL ME Email Body: Thank you -------------------------------------------------------------------- *facepalm* I email the client back, and say that I've received her info, and as tactfully as I can, I request that she stop using CAPS and to keep the subject line as short as she can. She doesnt email me back, so I take it that she under...

Expert systems are meant to solve real problems which normally would require a specialised human expert. I'm in no way saying that Expert Systems work on their own. All I'm saying is that Expert systems can be built, and can work very well, when used IN CONJUNCTION with an human expert. Expert systems (PDF File, or right click and Save As) That is all.

My Holy Oyster, I'm depressed! Here I am, a mind the size of a university computer center, and they give me inane tasks to do. "Would you please configure a VPN server on that linux box?" Sure, I mean, I'll do it, just don't try to give me anything easier to do. And I've got this terrible pain in the right part of my throat. And my right ear aches, too. It's all because of the phone chatter. "I've got this SQL query that takes only a couple of minutes, but if I add another condition, it takes a whole day. Is it possible to optimise it in any way?" Oh Holy Banana, those people simply lack any and all imagination. There I go, engaging my brain for three seconds to solve a problem, and then switching it off for ten minutes while I explain the stuff. What a waste. No wonder my throat and ear ache. They're terribly abused, compared to my brain. What a depressing bunch of people. I could easilly run the whole world, but no, they know it better....

The boss slips into my quarter cubical of personal space and says beamingly, “Wireless networking! That’s the way to go!” Acting like the good drone I am (well, at work, see it’s an act) I swivel my chair to face him and tilt my head a little to the left, perfect drone body language for “What?” “See, I saw it on this Tech program on my satellite TV! It’s wonderful; you can hook up your computer to the internet without wires. Amazing stuff, imagine this, working any place in the office, and still being connected to the LAN and internet. It’s going to double our productivity!” Now I tilt my head to the right, prefect IT body language for “What the heck?” He still doesn’t get it, and plows right on. “Once we get ourselves the gizmo to go wireless, we can pull the internet waves from the very AIR!” At this point he’s frothing slightly at the mouth. I raise my hand, catch his attention and say “We get internet access from the air?” “Well”, he stumbles on, “I think we do. The TV ...

"... and then you find out the top 30% of most sold items and sum them up." I go: "Ahaaa...", as I try to wake up the hamster inside my head. "... sales statistics... adjust prices... the tax report... inventory..." "Ahaaa..." "... a loophole... percentage... minimise the income figures... spending..." "Yeaaa...." "So, will you be able to do it?" "Sure." Still in a dizzy state, I search the phone book for something with the word "tax" in it. And then make a call. "... tax office... blah blah..." "Um. Yeaa.... I'd like to report a tax fraud. Fuzzboys Inc. want to evade a bit of tax with some statistics." "... blah blah..." Whatever. I hang up and go out in search for a cup of coffee before someone kills my hamster. Curiously enough, on my return a coworker tells me that Fuzzboys Inc. cancelled the order for that big twisted statistics calculation mod...

"Hey, guess what? Next Thursday there's a presentation of the new version of WonderCode in a hall nearby by the local reseller, free admittance. Interested?", goes my boss. "Uh...", I mumble as I try to read the forwarded spam. "Well, a lot of buzzwords, I've read about it all already, nothing I really need, they've just added a few layers of complexity, really... But okay, I'll go, if only because of the discount for participants." Great. Another wasted day. Well, at least wasted with a blessing. Not that I like WonderCode. I like to work with CodeSpew, actually. But there's not many projects out there I can use it on. You know, one thing runs on Windoze, the other on Lunix. Drat. But one thing I've learned is never show enthusiasm. If you show enthusiasm for one thing you're sure to experience a lack of it. Therefore it's only logical for me to try to show at least a bit of enthusiasm for this promo crap. "Where do...

A piece of pizza in front of me, Mozilla checking my mail, and me who just got to the office. Seems like a good start. Until the phone rings. "Hi, that update you sent us yesterday, now there's something wrong when manually adding items to a bill. The invoice is processed fine, but manual items, like shipping, don't appear on the bill until I turn off the computer." There's such a nice sunny day outside. And now suddenly I have these images of a large axe, chainsaw, and gillotine in my head. Something's missing in this picture. A substance. "Yeah, ummm... Lemme think... I think I know... I employed the latest technology of database connectivity in the last update, it's very efficient and therefore fast, it stacks data together in chunks of maximum size so the data used for communication is reduced to minimum. It's quite good," I lie. You have to be clever in this business. You don't make mistakes. Others do. "But, what does this ...

Greetings! Just a quick post here. I've managed to trick..er... 'invite' Ales to join up as a member of this blog, and we're hoping its gona rock ;) Enjoy!

“So I’m going to have to help your sister then?” “Yes, but I don’t care if you really help out, its up to you.” Now, I don’t know about you guys, but when your girlfriend say that, its usually a trap. Its usually about this time you should set the stack of magazines on the coffee table on fire and run in the other direction. But I didn’t. Silly me. Ales should learn something from this and always carry matches. ”Ok, sure, no problem. I’ll follow your sister to the PC Fair, then help her get a notebook for her medical school,” I say, with a forced smile, my left hand pawing my shirt pockets for a box of matches. Its 3 weeks later, and I’m lazing at the office, just waiting for a chance to get America ’s Army launched for a few rounds of R&R, when I get a call on my cell phone. It’s the Sister! “Hi, how may I be of service?” I say, pouring sarcasm into the phone like a drunk does with cheap whisky. “Yeah, that laptop you got me is not working right. I can’t find my file...

The Programmer and I are lazing in the hall, he's watching the TV and I'm reading the paper after a long day at work (in the other office even!) There's an add for a movie, 'Sky Captain' I think it was, and he turns to me and goes: Programmer: Hey, this movie looks cool. Have you seen it? Me: Eh? No, cant say I have, but Jolie's in it. Programmer: Sweet, what about Enith Baldro? Me: Enith who? *at this point I give up trying to read the paper and face him* Programmer: You know, Enith Baldro! Me: Dude I dont know her, and I dont think she's acting in it man. Programmer: Really? Wow, cause I read somewhere that she did... Ok so who else is acting in it then? Me: Err... if I'm not mistaken... Gwenith Paltro is in it too. There's a moment of silence as the programmer looks blankly at me, then slowly moves back to the tv. Am I evil?

It’s early as I exit the pantry with my morning cup of tea, with lots of milk, just the way I like it when I see the NewGuy slip in the office and slither over to his desk nary a care in the world. I take a look at my watch and see its 9.34am, and this isn’t the first time the NewGuy’s been late to work. My mind slowly starts to think up of things I can make him do with the knowledge he’s been late one too many times, when I receive a phone call on my cell. It’s the BOSS! And he sounds angry! 2 minutes later I’m back at my desk clearing it up and getting some files in order. The NewGuy peeks from his part of the half partition and chirps, “Busy morning huh?” “Yes, it always is for people that come in on time to work.” Its early, and I haven’t gotten into my normal frame of mind, so I’m a little more direct then I should, and I can feel my hold on the NewGuy slowly slipping. I know I have to shake things up, or he’s never going to look up at me. With this in mind, I reach down to ...

The moments pass by, and I can hear the SC going on and on about how he had a virus crash his machine a few years back in the other office (an office without a router, or any form of firewall, even when they had XP Pro but didn’t bother to turn it on). “LOOK! I don’t know what you were doing opening weird attachments, or downloading off weird websites, all I need is the router password,” I say standing up and cutting the SC off mid-sentence. “Tell you what, I’ll give The Boss’ Daughter (BD in short) another extra IP address we have around, then I’ll look into it later,” he says packing his crap up and heading towards the door, for a meeting or something like that. In just a few seconds, he’s gone. I’m still staring at the door. I walk over to the router and look at the ‘Reset’ button that’s just begging me to press it, but the problem is I don’t have a copy of the ISP DSL IP address and dial up settings (that’s all on the router, even the username and password, the router au...

Which OS are You? Makes you wonder huh?

It always starts out on a quiet Monday, when everything seems to be going well, there are no emails in your inbox (because you spent the weekend reading office email and replying to odd requests) and you’re about to get the first cup of tea when the boss’ daughter walks up to my table and says, “My computer has an IP conflict.” It takes me a few seconds to register that she’s actually said something that made sense for once, and not just some random buzzwords mixed in some regular daily babble like she usually does. “So, how do you know it’s an IP conflict again? Did you try pinging the office server and notice packets going missing? Was the network connection intermittent?” I ask her, still confused, since I haven’t had my morning tea. “Um no, the computer told me,” she replies, flashing me some teeth. Slowly it dawns on me that she must have XP Pro on her machine, and the network wiz bubble must have popped up and told her there was an IP conflict. Trying to act busy but being ...

The Kuala Lumpur City Center (KLCC) from the inside

My desk

Jell..err candles