The dregs of I.T.

NoWin_X: Dear god, Asian online stores NoWin_X: Faux leather belt, cheap!!!!>??!! NoWin_X: And then you see a list of questions posted by people Q: what kind of leather is it? A: its faux leather And a few other users: Q: what kind of animal is faux? or Q: is this a halal belt NoWin_X: Seriously?

Salesy_McSales: NoWin_X can we invite our prospect to the event Salesy_McSales: sorry AWS event in Hotel Loaf NoWin_X: Salesy_McSales, its your call NoWin_X: what is the value of our company, if the client go direct to AWS? NoWin_X: and what would the prospect think, he asked you for ABC, and now you say, "hey, go to this event, learn about ABC on your own". what the value add here and what do we bring to the picture? Salesy_McSales: NoWin_X, don't have to snab me like this, i am asking you bcos you told me client can go direct. if you are so unwilling to teach and share is fine Salesy_McSales: how many times do i have to tell you i need time to learn i am not as smart as you. NoWin_X: I'm not 'snab'ing you (what is snab ?) NoWin_X: I'm telling you what i told you last week + Boss NoWin_X: A. Client can buy direct. they manage everything. (Boss said, whats the value here? Company should do managed services) Salesy_McSales: is OK, i can never up...

NoWin_X: here, have a problem NoWin_X: "Lets sell software on the cloud" NoWin_X: Ok, how what, where, when and why? NoWin_X: "Err... its the cloud. Its magic. We get paid for nothing!" SlowThis_Hess: lol NoWin_X: effing redonkulous NoWin_X: now i'm being blamed for: 1. Delaying the sales engagement for asking the cloud partner "too many questions". 2. Not telling the sales person EXACTLY what we need to know about "the magic cloud". @ #2, how do I know WHAT we need to know about cloud, if I dont ask the god damn questions in the first place? SlowThis_Hess: omg, I'd feel so at home at your job NoWin_X: .... you'd .... feel so at home dealing with stupid people and ending work at 8pm everyday wanting to slit your wrists? SlowThis_Hess: #1 rule in SNAFU environments: always be the source of SNAFU tasks, never work on them SlowThis_Hess: so, e.g. in your case, ad 1) you don't ask questions, ad 2) come up with bogus requirements, ju...

[5:15:33 PM] Hexvin_d: do you garden, at all? [5:15:33 PM] Hexvin_d: sorry, I mean, do you do any gardening, at all? [5:15:41 PM] Showthis Tress: not at all [5:15:44 PM] Showthis Tress: I leave that to peasants [5:16:06 PM] Hexvin_d: good point

NameChangedBecauseHeIsASpy: oh boy, a coworker dropped the database with a log of every carpet in every airport in the world, 2.21 TB worth NameChangedBecauseHeIsASpy: I'm sure you don't have this... unlucky... employees BlahVin_Y: dropped... on his foot? BlahVin_Y: or dropped from the DB Server = no longer there and data go bye-bye NameChangedBecauseHeIsASpy: yes, went bye-bye BlahVin_Y: well BlahVin_Y: time for him to go bye-bye as well! BlahVin_Y: lol BlahVin_Y: i can feel his pain NameChangedBecauseHeIsASpy: now to wait a couple of days to restore it from backups... damn NameChangedBecauseHeIsASpy: he is the project manager, so won't go bye-bye :D NameChangedBecauseHeIsASpy: he was testing....something.... NameChangedBecauseHeIsASpy: and somehow it ran TRUNCATE on all partitions BlahVin_Y: why is a 'project manager' doing stuff that touches the DB? BlahVin_Y: ooo... he's a Project Manager that ACTUALLY knows things / works? BlahVin_Y: oh wow BlahVin_Y: we d...

I get this unsolicited on my old Skype that's merged via MSN. Someone asking me to fill up a form for a survey. I've had a crazy long month, and I knew this was some sort of spam / pish activity, but I thought I'd see where it went.     Me: I'm not great with forms, sorry     OtherParty: ok     OtherParty: why you not great ??     Me: because i tried last time to fill up a form, but i didn't do so well     OtherParty: why ohh ? i will guide you how to fill up trust me ok so now i meet you if you get your permisison id ok can or not ??     Me: People died. People died because I didn't fill up the right form.     Me: but how will you guide me to fill up a form?     OtherParty: yes ??     OtherParty: dont worry ok     OtherParty: do you ahve skype     OtherParty: or gmail     Me: ok whats your gmail then? ...

I'm going to run away. I'm going to pack my bags and move off to somewhere and become a recluse. Its starting to look like everything's on me, and that's fine. But then suddenly I'm being blamed. I'm either being blamed for responding slow to clients, not training or enabling the team sufficiently, not delegating tasks enough, or hoarding clients to myself (really?). I'm going to pack my bags and move off to somewhere and become a recluse. I'm going to run away.

Hi, that is nowhere near a project plan. 1.        We’re number 2 (this makes no sense to me, we signed up with your company to co-develop something, and now we’re on the back burner?) – how long will job #1 take to complete before our task starts? = X days 2.        How long will it take to code? = X days 3.        How long do you want to take to test your code? = X days Fill in the X . Please. All I’m asking is for some numbers so that we can calculate forwards how long this will take. Telling me that we’re #2 in line of the queue makes no sense when I don’t know how long that queue is going to be, or how long you will take. We want to feedback to the client on a date in the near future, but cannot because you have repeatedly failed to give a timeline on this.

[17:58:39] Horatio_Hex : i am SO close [17:58:42] Horatio_Hex : to setting the office on fire [17:58:52] Horatio_Hex : so so SO close [17:58:55] Smock Miiš : oooh, send me the pics when you're there! [17:59:03] Horatio_Hex : right now I’m just struggling [17:59:10] Horatio_Hex : if i should bolt the doors from the outside [17:59:12] Horatio_Hex : or not [17:59:27] Smock Miiš : from the outside? [17:59:31] Horatio_Hex : yes [17:59:35] Horatio_Hex : and lock the idiots in [17:59:35] Smock Miiš : to keep you in? [17:59:41] Smock Miiš : oh! [17:59:52] Horatio_Hex : no no, i'll step outside of course [18:00:01] Horatio_Hex : though i think sales people are fireproof [18:00:03] Smock Miiš : not another oddball of a salesperson? [18:00:08] Horatio_Hex : a client is trying to kill me [18:00:12] Smock Miiš : oh, I guessed! [18:00:18] Horatio_Hex : mainly because i'm closer to them compared to the sales person [18:00:5...

At times everyone's had to work or interact with some people that are supposed to have the knowledge they say (in their field) but don't. Most of the time we're able to side step them, explain the issue to someone else (hopefully someone above them) and then run away. Literally, run away. Jim : So, in a nutshell, the application has the ability to report out data via SQL, and since we're using Crystal Reports (CR), you can use the CR features such as export to PDF and even send out reports via email. Cat : Hey, CR! Ok, now we're talking my language here! Jim : I'm sorry, you're from the IT line as well? I was under the impression (looks down at meeting attendance list) that you're from Sales? You're the Sales Director even. *cough* its nice meeting you by the way. Cat : Uh huh. Oh no back when I was doing my degree I had plenty of CR experience! Jim : Well good so as you can see, using CR, we can 'push' reports out via email, a fact ...

A couple short anecdotes. ------- Sam asks Phil to merge a file for him. After a short explanation, they conclude the right term is patching. So Phil follows with the implementation simultaneously with Sam explaining the idea to him. As they go along, Phil makes a diff between the old and the new version of the file, only to apply the patch to the old version of the file. Well, an odd algorithm for copying a new file over an old file, says Phil, leaving Sam a bit embarrassed. ------- Phil is being asked by Fred to help pinpoint a problem by observing the stack trace of an exception that has been raised by a Java program. A multithreaded Java program. "So," points out Phil a source file name with a number printed on the sixth line of the stack trace, "this is the probable culprit as lines higher are from library classes. Could you trigger the error again, only printing out the stack traces of other threads, too?" And Phil got met with a blank stare from Fred: ...

I slip into the office, bright and early (9.15am) and settle down to the cube farm and mundane work related items (stopping all my fileshares and my torrent downloads that I left to run overnight) and I fire up my email, scanning through the latest issue of Dilbert. I'm a little taken when I see 3 new emails with the subject's in CAPS and running about a mile long. *sigh* its going to be one of those days. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Email Subject: PLEASE FIND ATTACHED THE FILES YOU REQUESTED LAST WEEK ON THE UPDATES THAT WE HAVE DONE TO OUR COMPUTERS AND SERVER, AND IF YOU REQUIRE ANY ADDITIONAL INFO EMAIL ME Email Body: Thank you -------------------------------------------------------------------- *facepalm* I email the client back, and say that I've received her info, and as tactfully as I can, I request that she stop using CAPS and to keep the subject line as short as she can. She doesnt email me back, so I take it that she under...

Expert systems are meant to solve real problems which normally would require a specialised human expert. I'm in no way saying that Expert Systems work on their own. All I'm saying is that Expert systems can be built, and can work very well, when used IN CONJUNCTION with an human expert. Expert systems (PDF File, or right click and Save As) That is all.

My Holy Oyster, I'm depressed! Here I am, a mind the size of a university computer center, and they give me inane tasks to do. "Would you please configure a VPN server on that linux box?" Sure, I mean, I'll do it, just don't try to give me anything easier to do. And I've got this terrible pain in the right part of my throat. And my right ear aches, too. It's all because of the phone chatter. "I've got this SQL query that takes only a couple of minutes, but if I add another condition, it takes a whole day. Is it possible to optimise it in any way?" Oh Holy Banana, those people simply lack any and all imagination. There I go, engaging my brain for three seconds to solve a problem, and then switching it off for ten minutes while I explain the stuff. What a waste. No wonder my throat and ear ache. They're terribly abused, compared to my brain. What a depressing bunch of people. I could easilly run the whole world, but no, they know it better....

The boss slips into my quarter cubical of personal space and says beamingly, “Wireless networking! That’s the way to go!” Acting like the good drone I am (well, at work, see it’s an act) I swivel my chair to face him and tilt my head a little to the left, perfect drone body language for “What?” “See, I saw it on this Tech program on my satellite TV! It’s wonderful; you can hook up your computer to the internet without wires. Amazing stuff, imagine this, working any place in the office, and still being connected to the LAN and internet. It’s going to double our productivity!” Now I tilt my head to the right, prefect IT body language for “What the heck?” He still doesn’t get it, and plows right on. “Once we get ourselves the gizmo to go wireless, we can pull the internet waves from the very AIR!” At this point he’s frothing slightly at the mouth. I raise my hand, catch his attention and say “We get internet access from the air?” “Well”, he stumbles on, “I think we do. The TV ...

"... and then you find out the top 30% of most sold items and sum them up." I go: "Ahaaa...", as I try to wake up the hamster inside my head. "... sales statistics... adjust prices... the tax report... inventory..." "Ahaaa..." "... a loophole... percentage... minimise the income figures... spending..." "Yeaaa...." "So, will you be able to do it?" "Sure." Still in a dizzy state, I search the phone book for something with the word "tax" in it. And then make a call. "... tax office... blah blah..." "Um. Yeaa.... I'd like to report a tax fraud. Fuzzboys Inc. want to evade a bit of tax with some statistics." "... blah blah..." Whatever. I hang up and go out in search for a cup of coffee before someone kills my hamster. Curiously enough, on my return a coworker tells me that Fuzzboys Inc. cancelled the order for that big twisted statistics calculation mod...

"Hey, guess what? Next Thursday there's a presentation of the new version of WonderCode in a hall nearby by the local reseller, free admittance. Interested?", goes my boss. "Uh...", I mumble as I try to read the forwarded spam. "Well, a lot of buzzwords, I've read about it all already, nothing I really need, they've just added a few layers of complexity, really... But okay, I'll go, if only because of the discount for participants." Great. Another wasted day. Well, at least wasted with a blessing. Not that I like WonderCode. I like to work with CodeSpew, actually. But there's not many projects out there I can use it on. You know, one thing runs on Windoze, the other on Lunix. Drat. But one thing I've learned is never show enthusiasm. If you show enthusiasm for one thing you're sure to experience a lack of it. Therefore it's only logical for me to try to show at least a bit of enthusiasm for this promo crap. "Where do...

A piece of pizza in front of me, Mozilla checking my mail, and me who just got to the office. Seems like a good start. Until the phone rings. "Hi, that update you sent us yesterday, now there's something wrong when manually adding items to a bill. The invoice is processed fine, but manual items, like shipping, don't appear on the bill until I turn off the computer." There's such a nice sunny day outside. And now suddenly I have these images of a large axe, chainsaw, and gillotine in my head. Something's missing in this picture. A substance. "Yeah, ummm... Lemme think... I think I know... I employed the latest technology of database connectivity in the last update, it's very efficient and therefore fast, it stacks data together in chunks of maximum size so the data used for communication is reduced to minimum. It's quite good," I lie. You have to be clever in this business. You don't make mistakes. Others do. "But, what does this ...

Greetings! Just a quick post here. I've managed to trick..er... 'invite' Ales to join up as a member of this blog, and we're hoping its gona rock ;) Enjoy!

“So I’m going to have to help your sister then?” “Yes, but I don’t care if you really help out, its up to you.” Now, I don’t know about you guys, but when your girlfriend say that, its usually a trap. Its usually about this time you should set the stack of magazines on the coffee table on fire and run in the other direction. But I didn’t. Silly me. Ales should learn something from this and always carry matches. ”Ok, sure, no problem. I’ll follow your sister to the PC Fair, then help her get a notebook for her medical school,” I say, with a forced smile, my left hand pawing my shirt pockets for a box of matches. Its 3 weeks later, and I’m lazing at the office, just waiting for a chance to get America ’s Army launched for a few rounds of R&R, when I get a call on my cell phone. It’s the Sister! “Hi, how may I be of service?” I say, pouring sarcasm into the phone like a drunk does with cheap whisky. “Yeah, that laptop you got me is not working right. I can’t find my file...