13. There are no Errors

A piece of pizza in front of me, Mozilla checking my mail, and me who just got to the office. Seems like a good start. Until the phone rings.
"Hi, that update you sent us yesterday, now there's something wrong when manually adding items to a bill. The invoice is processed fine, but manual items, like shipping, don't appear on the bill until I turn off the computer."
There's such a nice sunny day outside. And now suddenly I have these images of a large axe, chainsaw, and gillotine in my head. Something's missing in this picture. A substance.
"Yeah, ummm... Lemme think... I think I know... I employed the latest technology of database connectivity in the last update, it's very efficient and therefore fast, it stacks data together in chunks of maximum size so the data used for communication is reduced to minimum. It's quite good," I lie. You have to be clever in this business. You don't make mistakes. Others do.
"But, what does this have to do with my billing problems?"
Gawd, some people need to be told everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, to the last detail. They just don't think.
"You see, as you add that shipping item, it's too small. The protocol layer is waiting for more data to be able to construct a packet of maximum efficient size and then send it to the database. Just add another item, it'll work then."
"But... What? I just need to add this one shipping item!"
Why do people expect me to run their businesses? I have enough problems running my own, I don't need their problems, too. Perhaps I'm in the wrong business. Perhaps I should run classes on running a business.
"Well, you're handling this customer, right? Just add a handling item."
"A handling item? But that's included in the shipping item, it goes 'shipping and handling'."
Yeah. Definitely in the wrong business.
"Make two items out of it then. One item reading just 'shipping', the other 'handling'. Besides, the customer will be more willing to pay a bill if there are more items on it. Be creative. Maybe you'll think of another item to add. 'Processing', for example."
"Processing?"
I should take notes and then write a book. It seems it would be a best-seller. I'd practically make an advert for my classes and then earn from the advert, be very popular, and even earn shitload of cash from running classes. You know, high popularity means you can have a high price.
"Yeah, I mean, your computers aren't running on nothing. Electricity costs. And you need computers to process orders, right? And invoices. And so on. It's the cost of doing business. Processing."
Man, I'd laugh myself silly right now if this weren't an important customer.
"Oh... right! Well, thanks for help!"
Phew, that was close. Now, I quickly add a transaction commit after adding manual items, recompile and repackage the program, and wait for the next call.
"Hi, me again. I tried that, I added three items, but they're nowhere to be seen on the bill."
"Hmmm... odd. Wait! Did you update your computer? Microsoft released some critical updates the last week, and if you don't have them installed it may cause your computer to work unreliably altogether!" I lie again, now prepared for this call.
"Uh... no... I'm not sure how..."
"Well don't worry, I happen to go on some field work just in an hour, it's in your vicinity, I'll pop in at your place on my way there and update your computers in a snap. I have it all on a CD, so you won't have to wait for all that downloading and stuff."
"Wow, thanks! You're really something!"
Yeah, I know.
So I burn the new version of the program on a CD and leave for lunch. I'm good. Really good. Why change the business?

12. Brand Spanking New Member!

Greetings!
Just a quick post here. I've managed to trick..er... 'invite' Ales to join up as a member of this blog, and we're hoping its gona rock ;)

Enjoy!

11. I.T. and the Doctor (Maybe)

<>

“So I’m going to have to help your sister then?” “Yes, but I don’t care if you really help out, its up to you.” Now, I don’t know about you guys, but when your girlfriend say that, its usually a trap. Its usually about this time you should set the stack of magazines on the coffee table on fire and run in the other direction. But I didn’t. Silly me. Ales should learn something from this and always carry matches.

”Ok, sure, no problem. I’ll follow your sister to the PC Fair, then help her get a notebook for her medical school,” I say, with a forced smile, my left hand pawing my shirt pockets for a box of matches.

Its 3 weeks later, and I’m lazing at the office, just waiting for a chance to get America’s Army launched for a few rounds of R&R, when I get a call on my cell phone. It’s the Sister!

“Hi, how may I be of service?” I say, pouring sarcasm into the phone like a drunk does with cheap whisky. “Yeah, that laptop you got me is not working right. I can’t find my files, and this comp is really hard to use,” says the Sister. I HATE people that refer to their laptops / PC’s as a ‘comp’, it sounds tacky.

<>“Just what is the problem?” I ask her. “Well for one, that software you installed for me, that X drive, is interfering with my MP3’s.” “Wait hold up, you mean the virtual drive? That I installed because you needed that Russian Language CD running because your medical school is in Russia and you don’t speak the language? How is it interfering with your MP3’s?” “Well, when I launch some MP3’s, I hear my music AND the Russian tutorial running at the same time! I got a friend to look at my ‘comp’ and he said it’s the X drive and he formatted my comp, and it was ok for a while, then the problem came back again.”
“@#^&@(“ I say under my breath. “What was that?” “Nothing, just bad reception on my cell phone. Are you telling me that your ‘friend’ formatted the laptop?” “Yes, he’s been very helpful, unlike you.” “Right. Helpful. And this person has a degree in Computing?” “No, he’s an Arts major, but he’s used computers before.” “So have monkeys, but you don’t see people letting them format computers do you?” I say, this time I forget to say it under my breath. “What was that?” “Nothing. Look, if you say he formatted the laptop, why is the virtual drive software still installed?” “The what?” she asks me. “Um.. the ‘X’ drive. Why does it still show up? I don’t think he could have reinstalled the software, seeing as how I didn’t leave you the installer CD!” I tell her, feeling smug. “Look, I don’t know why. Anyway, he helped me remove the Russian Tutorial CD, so I can hear my MP3’s, but I keep getting an error on startup every time.”

“Let me get this straight. You removed a learning software, just so you could listen to MP3’s?” I choke out. “Well, yes. It’s lonely there in Russia,” she comes back at me. “Yes, well not if I let the Chechen warlords know where you are.” “I’m sorry I didn’t get that last part, I think there’s some more interference on your cell,” she tells me, sounding bewildered. “Look, I don’t think I can trouble shoot this via the phone, let me just come over and I’ll look at the laptop ok? Maybe say, tomorrow?” I tell her, my face in my palms as I sigh in frustration. “No no no why not just call my friend and tell him what to do, I’m sure he can do it, its not like its anything big or anything, its just computers!”

“ Yes, your friend. I won’t let him close to a TV remote if it was up to me. Look, I’ll come over then I’ll look at it ok?” “Why can’t you tell me what to do, over the phone, then I could fix it myself?” “I don’t think you’re listening to me, I need to look at the problem, and then see what the best course of action is. Just wait till tomorrow, ok?” All I hear after that is a ‘Harrumph’ as she hangs up the phone.

I look at the wall clock, and I’m glad that the worst 5 minutes of my day is over. Feeling aggravated, I redial her number via the office phone and go, “Hi, err, my appendix just burst, could you just give me a few quick pointers on how to cut it out, I’d be REALLY grateful, Do I start cutting from the left to right, or the other way around? And just where IS my appendix anyway?” And with that I hang up and get to the pantry, for my morning cup of tea.