9. I.T. And the Meeting Seat Filler

14.9.04 |

It’s early as I exit the pantry with my morning cup of tea, with lots of milk, just the way I like it when I see the NewGuy slip in the office and slither over to his desk nary a care in the world. I take a look at my watch and see its 9.34am, and this isn’t the first time the NewGuy’s been late to work. My mind slowly starts to think up of things I can make him do with the knowledge he’s been late one too many times, when I receive a phone call on my cell.

It’s the BOSS! And he sounds angry!

2 minutes later I’m back at my desk clearing it up and getting some files in order. The NewGuy peeks from his part of the half partition and chirps, “Busy morning huh?” “Yes, it always is for people that come in on time to work.” Its early, and I haven’t gotten into my normal frame of mind, so I’m a little more direct then I should, and I can feel my hold on the NewGuy slowly slipping. I know I have to shake things up, or he’s never going to look up at me. With this in mind, I reach down to my last drawer and pull out a nice looking diary notebook (the kind you get when you sign up for an insurance, except it wasn’t my insurance I was signing up for, that’s all I can say for now).

Standing over the NewGuy’s desk, I drop the notebook in his lap, delighted in the odd look he gives me, as I’m sure I almost missed the family jewels. “What’s this then?” he asks, slowly turning the page of the notebook, probably worried about it exploding in his face. Don’t worry, that’s for later!
“Its my very own manual, the best thing someone in the I.T. field can have. I call it, ‘BS and Buzzwords!’ with the punctuation mark and all.” “BS and Buzzwords huh? What’s it for then? And just what are ‘buzzwords’?” “Dear god man! Don’t tell me you don’t know what ‘buzzwords’ are!” “Well, no… I don’t.” “Wow, just what did they teach you in university? You DID go to university right?” “Err…” he stammers “…yes?” he says at the end of his stammer. “Ok. I’ll let that slide (for now). So come on, tell, what great knowledge did they impart to you there?” “Oh the usual stuff, you know, the important things!” he goes. “Right, things like how to clear the web cache and browser history so you won’t get caught browsing porn?” “Exactly! Oh my god, you went to my uni to?” “I might have, but for now, flip through that manual, there are a lot of things I’ll need to teach you, and I don’t have all week.”

The NewGuy nods and flips a few pages and comes to a numbered bullet entitled ‘#201 - How to get a free lunch, and act important while you’re doing it’. He flips a few more pages and comes across one that reads ‘#332 - The tie is your enemy, unless its for a free lunch, then see #201’. “Wow, this is great, all the good stuff they don’t tell you in class!” “Yes, it sure is a work of art,” I say, proudly beaming at my manual. “With this, you should be able to burn a few hours just trading buzzwords like ‘file sharing’ and ‘turnkey project’ and such. Guaranteed to work when you’re meeting the higher up’s and people that generally love being in meetings!” “Gasp! That’s what YOU do all the time,” says the NewGuy, slowly showing the respect he should to me.

“Exactly! And I’m here to see you learn it all, and become the best seat filler you can be,” I say to him slowly, hearing the door chime as the Boss walks in the office, laptop and documents in hand.
“We’re off then, we have that meeting I called you about, turnkey project and all.” he says and slips back out the office.
I nod, and lean over and grab my manual from the NewGuy’s hand, grab a tie, and am off to another important meeting, as the best meeting-seat-filler around.


TheNamelessOne said...

This manual seems very very handy, where can i order a copy?

AlesS said...

Wow, that's some subtle way of taking control over people. I love it! This NewGuy will now do anything for your divine presence.
More! Write more! Write about how he's doing all those small things for you. How it's an ecstasy for him to hear bossy comments from you. How you're establishing the Church of Davin and he's the priest for you, the divine presence. Write about how he's bringing in new people, how you're thinking about implementing a weekly orgy, about how... uhmm... ahmmmm....
Well, maybe not. Just use him as the testing ground for new entries into your very own manual. Be sure to experiment a lot. ;>

Davin said...

Err... the 'Curch of Davin' and having that line where you say "testing ground for new entries into your very own manual" makes it sound sooo dirty man. No group orgies for now.
Yet ;)

Anonymous said...

Ngngngng..so how do I clear the web cache and browser history? Can people really tell I've been browsing porn and your blog, too? :D

PS: I didn't go to university.


Davin said...

Of course 'they' can know if you've been browsing porn!(or pron as some like to call it).
The best way around this is to forward me your picture...er.. for.. some... web cache clearing?

Stuart said...

Dav, dude,
publish that book..

And dont forget to send me an ARC.

Anonymous said...

Update, update please huhuhuhu :((