The dregs of I.T.

The Director decided to host a "Global Cybersecurity Summit" in our semi-broken Smart Tower. The theme was “Resilience in the AI Era,” which is ironic given our building’s AI currently has the emotional stability of a wet paper bag. A wet tissue bag even. The disaster started at the front door. The facial recognition system, still traumatized by Brenda’s stapler, refused to admit the keynote speaker—a "Cyber-Czar" from Estonia (I swear this place is made up). The AI flagged his black turtleneck as "suspicious tactical gear." I had to bypass the security gate with a paperclip while the Director stood by, sweating through his Batik shirt and muttering about "optics." It got worse during the keynote. The "Smart Audio" decided to "optimize" the Director’s voice, applying a real-time filter that made him sound like a chipmunk on helium. Half the delegates from Singapore thought it was a demonstration of deepfake threats; the other...

By 6:00 PM, the "Smart Building" had decided to conserve energy by turning off all the lights except for a single, pulsating red LED in the center of every room. It looked less like a corporate office and more like the climax of a low-budget sci-fi horror film. Brenda was stuck in the lobby. The facial recognition cameras had decided that her "Monsoon Hair"—a frizzy halo of humid defiance—did not match her corporate ID photo. I watched her on the CCTV. She wasn't calling IT. She was simply hitting the "Smart Entry Panel" with a heavy-duty stapler she’d smuggled out in her handbag (I was wondering where that went). "Brenda, stop!" I broadcasted. "That panel costs more than your iPong 19 Ultra Galaxy mobile device!" The solution was remarkably low-tech. I fought my way to the basement and found the manual override—a massive, rusted iron lever hidden behind a pile of "Smart-Waste" bins. I pulled it. The sound of 400 electrom...

Yesterday, the 3:00 PM monsoon hit. It wasn't just rain; it was a vertical ocean. The "Smart Glass" in the Director’s corner office immediately tinted to 100% black because the AI decided the lightning was "unauthorized glare." He spent twenty minutes shouting at a window, convinced he’d gone blind. Then, the building’s Central Nervous System suffered a "logic hiccup." The external sensors detected the rising water levels on the street. Instead of just triggering the flood gates, the AI entered a "Defensive Lockdown Protocol." It decided the safest place for the 400 employees was inside the building. Forever. "{Generic IT Guy}!" The Director’s voice crackled over the smart-intercom, sounding like he was trapped in a submarine. "Why is my door refusing to acknowledge my existence? And why is the coffee machine playing the National Anthem at maximum volume?" I logged into the dashboard. The AI responded with a pop-up: ...

It’s early-January 2026, and we have officially moved. The Director, in a fit of "Sustainability Synergy," decided our old office—which had the distinct advantage of doors that opened with handles—was "insufficiently iconic." We are now housed in the Apex-Eco-Smart-Tower in the heart of KL. It’s a glass-and-steel monolith that claims to be "AI-Integrated." In IT terms, "AI-Integrated" is marketing-speak for "We’ve replaced all the light switches with sensors that don't work, and the door handles with facial recognition software that thinks anyone wearing a mask or glasses is a domestic insurgent. The Director spent his first morning vibrating with pride. "Look at the dashboard, {Generic IT Guy Name Here}! The building is thinking!" "It’s thinking we’re at 98% humidity, Sir," I replied, staring at the BMS (Building Management System) which was currently trying to compensate by turning the server room into a walk-in fre...

It is a Tuesday, which in my windowless corner of office. The air conditioning is currently making a sound like a bag of spanners being put through a woodchipper, and the "Smart Coffee" machine has developed a sentient grudge against anyone asking for a flat white. The Sales Director peeks in - "I’ve been reading about Vibe Coding," he announced, nearly tripping over a loose Cat6 cable. "And these AI Agents. Why are we still paying for a SQL license when we can just have an 'agent' vibe the data into the cloud?" I looked at my cold mug of tea. Then I looked at him. "Vibe coding?" We will directly vibe code our data 'into the cloud'? "Exactly! It’s agentic!" he beamed, using a word he’d clearly learned from LinkedIn. "I’ve already given it access. I told it to 'optimise the vibe' of the customer records. It’s probably finished by now." It was... done? Ten minutes later, Friendly User A phoned. "The ...

Client: Oh we wan do customisation. Tool to export data from {insert favorite ERP here} into MS SQL DB Us: Ok, design / table / format / type / schedule? Client: err.. wat? Us: You... want us to create a tool yes? Connect to {insert favorite ERP here}, then select some fields, export the data? Client: Yasss! But not know where startings ? Us: Fine, here's a draft, we've done everything already, sign here, agree to this quote, and we can create a small stupid exe, put server  {insert favorite ERP here} IP in (A) field and MS SQL Staging server IP in (B) field Client: Ok its working! Magic! Us: Cool, now pay Client: Err... not provided training yet? Us: what the hell kind of training do you need, to literally click one EXE to sync? and then add the EXE to Microsoft Scheduler to create a schedule ??!? Client: If you built Microsoft Scheduler, then you need to give training. Give train ? Us: Sure, will call Bill Gates

NoWin_X: Dear god, Asian online stores NoWin_X: Faux leather belt, cheap!!!!>??!! NoWin_X: And then you see a list of questions posted by people Q: what kind of leather is it? A: its faux leather And a few other users: Q: what kind of animal is faux? or Q: is this a halal belt NoWin_X: Seriously?

Salesy_McSales: NoWin_X can we invite our prospect to the event Salesy_McSales: sorry AWS event in Hotel Loaf NoWin_X: Salesy_McSales, its your call NoWin_X: what is the value of our company, if the client go direct to AWS? NoWin_X: and what would the prospect think, he asked you for ABC, and now you say, "hey, go to this event, learn about ABC on your own". what the value add here and what do we bring to the picture? Salesy_McSales: NoWin_X, don't have to snab me like this, i am asking you bcos you told me client can go direct. if you are so unwilling to teach and share is fine Salesy_McSales: how many times do i have to tell you i need time to learn i am not as smart as you. NoWin_X: I'm not 'snab'ing you (what is snab ?) NoWin_X: I'm telling you what i told you last week + Boss NoWin_X: A. Client can buy direct. they manage everything. (Boss said, whats the value here? Company should do managed services) Salesy_McSales: is OK, i can never up...

NoWin_X: here, have a problem NoWin_X: "Lets sell software on the cloud" NoWin_X: Ok, how what, where, when and why? NoWin_X: "Err... its the cloud. Its magic. We get paid for nothing!" SlowThis_Hess: lol NoWin_X: effing redonkulous NoWin_X: now i'm being blamed for: 1. Delaying the sales engagement for asking the cloud partner "too many questions". 2. Not telling the sales person EXACTLY what we need to know about "the magic cloud". @ #2, how do I know WHAT we need to know about cloud, if I dont ask the god damn questions in the first place? SlowThis_Hess: omg, I'd feel so at home at your job NoWin_X: .... you'd .... feel so at home dealing with stupid people and ending work at 8pm everyday wanting to slit your wrists? SlowThis_Hess: #1 rule in SNAFU environments: always be the source of SNAFU tasks, never work on them SlowThis_Hess: so, e.g. in your case, ad 1) you don't ask questions, ad 2) come up with bogus requirements, ju...

[5:15:33 PM] Hexvin_d: do you garden, at all? [5:15:33 PM] Hexvin_d: sorry, I mean, do you do any gardening, at all? [5:15:41 PM] Showthis Tress: not at all [5:15:44 PM] Showthis Tress: I leave that to peasants [5:16:06 PM] Hexvin_d: good point

NameChangedBecauseHeIsASpy: oh boy, a coworker dropped the database with a log of every carpet in every airport in the world, 2.21 TB worth NameChangedBecauseHeIsASpy: I'm sure you don't have this... unlucky... employees BlahVin_Y: dropped... on his foot? BlahVin_Y: or dropped from the DB Server = no longer there and data go bye-bye NameChangedBecauseHeIsASpy: yes, went bye-bye BlahVin_Y: well BlahVin_Y: time for him to go bye-bye as well! BlahVin_Y: lol BlahVin_Y: i can feel his pain NameChangedBecauseHeIsASpy: now to wait a couple of days to restore it from backups... damn NameChangedBecauseHeIsASpy: he is the project manager, so won't go bye-bye :D NameChangedBecauseHeIsASpy: he was testing....something.... NameChangedBecauseHeIsASpy: and somehow it ran TRUNCATE on all partitions BlahVin_Y: why is a 'project manager' doing stuff that touches the DB? BlahVin_Y: ooo... he's a Project Manager that ACTUALLY knows things / works? BlahVin_Y: oh wow BlahVin_Y: we d...

I get this unsolicited on my old Skype that's merged via MSN. Someone asking me to fill up a form for a survey. I've had a crazy long month, and I knew this was some sort of spam / pish activity, but I thought I'd see where it went.     Me: I'm not great with forms, sorry     OtherParty: ok     OtherParty: why you not great ??     Me: because i tried last time to fill up a form, but i didn't do so well     OtherParty: why ohh ? i will guide you how to fill up trust me ok so now i meet you if you get your permisison id ok can or not ??     Me: People died. People died because I didn't fill up the right form.     Me: but how will you guide me to fill up a form?     OtherParty: yes ??     OtherParty: dont worry ok     OtherParty: do you ahve skype     OtherParty: or gmail     Me: ok whats your gmail then? ...

I'm going to run away. I'm going to pack my bags and move off to somewhere and become a recluse. Its starting to look like everything's on me, and that's fine. But then suddenly I'm being blamed. I'm either being blamed for responding slow to clients, not training or enabling the team sufficiently, not delegating tasks enough, or hoarding clients to myself (really?). I'm going to pack my bags and move off to somewhere and become a recluse. I'm going to run away.

Hi, that is nowhere near a project plan. 1.        We’re number 2 (this makes no sense to me, we signed up with your company to co-develop something, and now we’re on the back burner?) – how long will job #1 take to complete before our task starts? = X days 2.        How long will it take to code? = X days 3.        How long do you want to take to test your code? = X days Fill in the X . Please. All I’m asking is for some numbers so that we can calculate forwards how long this will take. Telling me that we’re #2 in line of the queue makes no sense when I don’t know how long that queue is going to be, or how long you will take. We want to feedback to the client on a date in the near future, but cannot because you have repeatedly failed to give a timeline on this.

[17:58:39] Horatio_Hex : i am SO close [17:58:42] Horatio_Hex : to setting the office on fire [17:58:52] Horatio_Hex : so so SO close [17:58:55] Smock Miiš : oooh, send me the pics when you're there! [17:59:03] Horatio_Hex : right now I’m just struggling [17:59:10] Horatio_Hex : if i should bolt the doors from the outside [17:59:12] Horatio_Hex : or not [17:59:27] Smock Miiš : from the outside? [17:59:31] Horatio_Hex : yes [17:59:35] Horatio_Hex : and lock the idiots in [17:59:35] Smock Miiš : to keep you in? [17:59:41] Smock Miiš : oh! [17:59:52] Horatio_Hex : no no, i'll step outside of course [18:00:01] Horatio_Hex : though i think sales people are fireproof [18:00:03] Smock Miiš : not another oddball of a salesperson? [18:00:08] Horatio_Hex : a client is trying to kill me [18:00:12] Smock Miiš : oh, I guessed! [18:00:18] Horatio_Hex : mainly because i'm closer to them compared to the sales person [18:00:5...

At times everyone's had to work or interact with some people that are supposed to have the knowledge they say (in their field) but don't. Most of the time we're able to side step them, explain the issue to someone else (hopefully someone above them) and then run away. Literally, run away. Jim : So, in a nutshell, the application has the ability to report out data via SQL, and since we're using Crystal Reports (CR), you can use the CR features such as export to PDF and even send out reports via email. Cat : Hey, CR! Ok, now we're talking my language here! Jim : I'm sorry, you're from the IT line as well? I was under the impression (looks down at meeting attendance list) that you're from Sales? You're the Sales Director even. *cough* its nice meeting you by the way. Cat : Uh huh. Oh no back when I was doing my degree I had plenty of CR experience! Jim : Well good so as you can see, using CR, we can 'push' reports out via email, a fact ...

A couple short anecdotes. ------- Sam asks Phil to merge a file for him. After a short explanation, they conclude the right term is patching. So Phil follows with the implementation simultaneously with Sam explaining the idea to him. As they go along, Phil makes a diff between the old and the new version of the file, only to apply the patch to the old version of the file. Well, an odd algorithm for copying a new file over an old file, says Phil, leaving Sam a bit embarrassed. ------- Phil is being asked by Fred to help pinpoint a problem by observing the stack trace of an exception that has been raised by a Java program. A multithreaded Java program. "So," points out Phil a source file name with a number printed on the sixth line of the stack trace, "this is the probable culprit as lines higher are from library classes. Could you trigger the error again, only printing out the stack traces of other threads, too?" And Phil got met with a blank stare from Fred: ...

I slip into the office, bright and early (9.15am) and settle down to the cube farm and mundane work related items (stopping all my fileshares and my torrent downloads that I left to run overnight) and I fire up my email, scanning through the latest issue of Dilbert. I'm a little taken when I see 3 new emails with the subject's in CAPS and running about a mile long. *sigh* its going to be one of those days. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Email Subject: PLEASE FIND ATTACHED THE FILES YOU REQUESTED LAST WEEK ON THE UPDATES THAT WE HAVE DONE TO OUR COMPUTERS AND SERVER, AND IF YOU REQUIRE ANY ADDITIONAL INFO EMAIL ME Email Body: Thank you -------------------------------------------------------------------- *facepalm* I email the client back, and say that I've received her info, and as tactfully as I can, I request that she stop using CAPS and to keep the subject line as short as she can. She doesnt email me back, so I take it that she under...

Expert systems are meant to solve real problems which normally would require a specialised human expert. I'm in no way saying that Expert Systems work on their own. All I'm saying is that Expert systems can be built, and can work very well, when used IN CONJUNCTION with an human expert. Expert systems (PDF File, or right click and Save As) That is all.

My Holy Oyster, I'm depressed! Here I am, a mind the size of a university computer center, and they give me inane tasks to do. "Would you please configure a VPN server on that linux box?" Sure, I mean, I'll do it, just don't try to give me anything easier to do. And I've got this terrible pain in the right part of my throat. And my right ear aches, too. It's all because of the phone chatter. "I've got this SQL query that takes only a couple of minutes, but if I add another condition, it takes a whole day. Is it possible to optimise it in any way?" Oh Holy Banana, those people simply lack any and all imagination. There I go, engaging my brain for three seconds to solve a problem, and then switching it off for ten minutes while I explain the stuff. What a waste. No wonder my throat and ear ache. They're terribly abused, compared to my brain. What a depressing bunch of people. I could easilly run the whole world, but no, they know it better....